I Put the 'Pro' in Procrastinate: A Same Sweatpants Story
I will take the KPEERI Exam in two days. In less than 48 hours I will know if I passed the exam. I’ll probably be getting close to Duluth to meet my parents for dinner in two days. For about three weeks I've been googling and asking AI to create the best study schedule for my needs based on my astrological sign and zip code. I’ve studied twice. I review what’s going to be on the test and write down areas I think I should focus on. I fill in all of my scheduled things in my calendar and then fill in study time around those. I message my coach to share my excitement and ask for tips. I added three self-help books to my “Want to Be Read” list from Goodreads. I searched through Libby to decide if I should download the kindle version or audiobook but settle on Spotify. I tell my husband that I need to prioritize studying. He checks-in almost daily to see how I’m feeling about the test.
Yet, I have not followed through on any actual studying. Now I have less than 48 hours. I distinctly remember telling my mom that I intentionally scheduled the exam for the Monday after my favorite holiday weekend so that I would be motivated to prepare before the holiday weekend so it would be one less thing for me to worry about. She complimented my strategy. I wonder what she’ll think when she reads this. I bet it’s something really thoughtful such as, “Well, some people work better under pressure and maybe that’s what works for you. You’re so naturally bright, I’m sure you’ll ace this exam no matter what! Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help, not that I think you need help because I know you’ll do great.”
My mom has always found a way to respond in a neutral or supportive tone. It never sounded judgemental. It was an acknowledgement to the difference and a nod to that being ok. There were times, most likely in my teenage years or other tough years, that I was sure she was being judgemental and secretly disappointed in me not having more of her calm demeanor in my personality. As she and I do our best to understand each other, I’ve learned that she really is not being judgemental; she sees those small differences as indifferences. It reminds me of a book she often references, “Oh I don’t sweat the small stuff,” she’ll say; and she truly doesn’t.
So if she’s not sweating the small stuff and I am, what is occupying her thoughts when mine are consumed with going down a rabbit hole of “small stuff.” Knowing her, it’s probably some really sweet memory that she’s grateful to be reminded of. Isn’t my mom a saint?! She’d probably let out a little gasp if she knew that 36 of the previous 48 hours were spent in the same sweat pants and t-shirt that says, “I put the ‘pro’ in procrastinate.” Don’t worry, Mom, I’ve changed my underwear, brushed my teeth, and reapplied deodorant often. Even knowing that, she wouldn’t insult me. “You don’t need to put that out there on the internet,” is something she’d probably say because it’s not insulting me but protecting me from getting judged or ruining my next job opportunity. “Once a mom, always a mom,” she’d say when I point out that she always comes from such a caring place. And my heart immediately clenches worrying that there will be a day when I won’t get to hear those words from her and I hate that.
For now, I move on to being so thankful that I still get to enjoy those conversations with her. I remember that she wants me to study. But she believes that I could pass it even if I didn’t. She knows my worth. And while I spend an incredible amount of time doing activities to boost my self-worth, I feel so proud knowing that she has my back and knows it. Sometimes I worry that if I truly understand my own self-worth, that will send the universe a message that I no longer need her. That’s the last thing I ever want to do.
This is getting deep. I need to study for the KPEERI exam but it’s great weather this weekend and I know that if my husband and I go hang out with some friends, I’ll be in a better mood and definitely study tomorrow.
